Soul Searching

I’m doing some soul searching right now. I feel the need to start over in some areas of my life. Again. It’s been a strange past couple of years. I’ve experienced extreme highs, yet at the exact same time, experienced extreme lows.

I think my true soul searching really started somewhere within the year 2000. It wasn’t all that bad. I was in a great job, making great money for a young 23-year-old, and was in a reasonably happy relationship. Then I realized I could fail.

You may think that sounds silly, that I “realized” I could fail, but you have to realize that up to that point, I’d never really had to. I knew my limits were above average (intelligence, abilities, etc) so I knew that if I could just hang out there for a while, I could always impress people without having to try very hard. I got bored way too easily.

Some things happened around the office (I quit school to work full time) and I royally screwed up a very high-profile project I was on. This broke me more than anything had ever before. I cried myself to sleep for a few nights in a row. People around me came to my rescue and helped get the project finished. That helped.

2001 just went all to hell. My relationship made some turns for the worse. My uncle passed away, my mother had a heart-attack (I was living with her at the time) and moved a short month later. I moved into my first place of my own and got laid off in December. There was more, but no sense in boring the few readers that run across this post. I decided to make the next year my turn-around year.

2002 I started getting more involved in Church again (don’t ask, I was very bitter for a number of years due to some circumstances well within my own control). God really changed my world. I could see hope again. I had Faith like I’d never had before. He rewarded me with many more blessings, just as he said He would. Then I got comfortable.

The last 2 years have been a whirlwind of emotion. I married my lovely wife in June, 2003 and we set out on an amzing adventure. Until January, 2004. On a trip home from a volleyball tournament in Kentucky, I tried snoozing while driving down I-64. I don’t advise this. We totaled my Blazer, with 6 months of payments remaining on the loan. My dad died a month later. Throw on top of that my wife dealing with endometriosis, possibly hindering our ability to start a family and just a general life of uncertainty.

Looking back, I can see that I did get comfortable. I thought I deserved the blessings, so I took them for granted. It was about me at that point, not God. So, once again, God had to gut-check me back into Faith in Him. I think I’m back there, but now the patience part comes in.

Where am I supposed to be? Where am I supposed to go? I’ve been asking those questions for years. I think I might be finally listening to what He’s been telling me since the beginning.

That’s what this blog is all about. My search for signifigance. It will contain life stories, technical web development stuff, links to fun things that make me laugh or say “huh.” In any case, you’ll find an eclectic mix of material here.

I hope everyone can find a familiar voice and that we all may learn something from my Incessant Rambling.